Amends

I am sorry I woke you. I know you have a nice little life. I would like nothing more than to leave you be, but we are past that point. Because I need you to know what the fight is all about. It’s not your fault that you’ve been oblivious up to this point. You’ve never been afraid walking in the dark. You’ve never considered what to carry in case your harassed, attacked, or assaulted.

So I told you. I told you all of it. At first you were shocked. Then guilty. You never knew because you didn’t have to know. You apologizing for your ignorance made me regret opening my big mouth. You don’t deserve to be in this world. None of us do. I hope you understand.

I am sorry I am such a mess. I am sorry you have to hold me up when the world slips out from under me and all I feel is the void. I am sorry I can’t wait until I get home to lose my grip and rage because I can’t be like the others. I can’t be the tiny cute one that you can toss around and put pretty things on. I can’t be the delicate bird stepping lightly in stilettos. I can’t climbs mountains or run a marathon.

I know you say it’s OK, you don’t mind. And I believe you. It helps me believe in myself and plow forward head first into the world. Reminding it I will not be patted on the head and told to sit down. My life will not be placated. I may not be a delicate flower, but I am an Amazon that takes no shit and gives no fuck. And I am quite fine with that.

I am sorry I love so hard. I’m sorry it’s overwhelming and confusing. I am sorry I am so much and I want to give it to every person I think deserves it. You are told what and who to love for whatever reasons, capitalism or peer pressure.

When I was around 14 I was told it would be very cool if I liked this particular guy. I tried to get his attention and was goaded into asking him out. He was my friend. We stopped talking. I later found out the only reason why this was instigated was to get him to stop paying so much attention to another girl. I was bait. And it hurt. Be friends with who you want. Love who you want. So I will go overboard every chance I get.

I am sorry when I am with you, or you, or you, that my joy in your existence comes crashing in on you with affirmations and hugs. I don’t feel like I am going to change. You are the greatest and most talented. All of you. Because I don’t love no fools. I know you don’t know what to do with it. Really, neither do I.  Social awkwardness be damn.

This is it. I am done being sorry. For any of this. I will no longer apologize for who I am. Whether it be during my weakest moment or top days. I will remain steadfast in my belief in myself and those I hold close, the ones that are worth it. I am done allowing myself to be judged. I am done letting others’ opinion be mine for the sake of keeping the peace. I will not hold back with my words, thoughts and deeds. This may not end well.

Have a good life.

Amanda

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